I'm not a charity case.

You know, now that I think about it it pisses me off. Why do my sisters keep making these stupid mistakes of getting pregnant, and then trying to give me their child? Destiny is pregnant again. Texts me and tells me she doesn't want this one and asks if I want it. How do you just ASK someone if they want your child. Like it's no big deal? I mean, seriously.

I guess everything does happen for a reason.

So today I went to go get a Saline Treatment to get my uterus checked. Turns out I have a fibroid that takes up pretty much my entire uterus. Although the "fibroid" does not have any effect on my ovaries, my doctor told me that if I did get pregnant it wouldn't make it. There would be no possible way of a successful pregnancy. So I am actually thankful that I didn't get pregnant yet. I mean, really? I never thought I would say that. So I have to get surgery. Then after that I go back to my RE and take it from there. 


On another note, my sister had her abortion. It is what it is and I am not going to dwell on it. I think it will take me a while to get over it, but she is my sister. I am supposed to support her, I guess. Do I support her? No, I dont think so. But I am just not going to EVER mention it. 


Well, I have three sisters. ANOTHER one of my sisters is pregnant, again. She is 21. No job. No license. Is dating someone who I am not to fond of. She asked me if I would take it. I talked to my husband and he said no. With us trying so hard for our own child, I don't want to adopt. Not yet anyway. I want adoption to be a last option.


I don't understand why my family keeps making mistakes and then keep trying to pawning it off on me. Not like a child is a burden. It is not that childs fault. But its like they pitty me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I wan't people to know what I'm going through. I want them to understand that life isn't always easy. This child is going to be the biggest blessing. My miracle child. and I can not WAIT.

Abortion

So, I did something very stupid about five minutes ago. I was looking for pictures on "abortion". Today is the day that my sister is getting hers. I typed it in google, and clicked images. I was thinking I would find some type of quote pictures about it, just little things that I could post. I can't believe I honestly thought that. Instead, I get pictures of fetuses. Little babies. Little fingers. Little toes. Little everything. My mom told me yesterday that she thinks the only reason I'm so upset about it is because it's happening to my sister. Maybe that's true. I don't know. Either way, it disgusts me. I think there are certain "reasons" that abortion is allowed. I personally think that just because you are irresponsible is not one of those reasons. 


I knew two other girls in my past who got abortions. This was years ago, and I never really thought about it. So maybe my mom is right. Maybe I'm just pissed off because it's happening to my sister. You know that they do an ultrasound before the "process" begins. I hope my sister looks at it. I hope my mom looks at it. I hope they feel awful. Yeah "this is for the best" they say. There full of it. My mom doesn't want to get stuck with it. My sister just doesn't want to grow up and take care of it.


I know I'm probably out of line, but it just makes me SO angry.


On another note, this link is very empowering. It's not about abortion, its about overcoming infertility. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b10OQ0qPT9

Please don't say to me...

You know what the hardest part of infertility is for me? Not being able to talk to anybody. I have my online community, which I am very thankful for. However, it would be nice to be able to sit down with an actual person and let all my frustrations out. I would LOVE to be able to talk to my mom about it, but she just doesn't get it. "Well I got pregnant three months after I got off BCP." Thanks mom for that.  I try and talk to my grandma. She tells me to go have a night out. Relax she says.  She has problems conceiving as well. It took her three years to get pregnant with my uncle, and then another five years after that to get pregnant again. She has some words of encouragement. She understands it's not fair, but you would think she would know how I feel and not say certain things. So I try to talk to my friends. "It will happen when God is ready for it to happen." Yes, I know that.  It has been a long journey, and I'm starting to get impatient. 


So, what are you NOT supposed to say to a couple who is dealing with some type of Infertility? I'll tell you...

• Don't tell them to relax. 
• Don't minimize the problem or say there are worse things that can happen.Don't say this really isn't a big deal or shouldn't bother them that much. Of course there are worse things that can happen. Any life-changing event could be worse, but it doesn't change how much it hurts.
• Don't say they aren't meant to be parents. Well meaning Christians often say this trying to imply God's will is sovereign. Faith and God's presence is a huge issue for infertile women -- let them deal with this on their own or with a Christian counselor..
• Don't play doctor. Don't give medical advice unless you really know what you are talking about.
• Don't be crude. This should be obvious. Making jokes about "Do you need a lesson?" is just mean.
• Be tender when making a pregnancy announcement. The general rule here is to not make your announcement in a public place with your infertile friend in attendance. Instead send them a card or an email and allow them to digest it privately first. Or sometimes you can tell the husband and ask them to let the wife know. Remember that they are happy for you but they are jealous for their own frustrations.
• Don't complain about your pregnancy or your children. Obviously there are things to complain about but it is a wise move to find someone else to confide in with these problems.
• Don't start any story with ... "I know someone..." or "I had a friend who..." These stories often feature the exception, not the rule. The biggest culprits: "I know who a friend who went on a vacation and then had a baby", and "I know who friend who got pregnant right after they adopted." These cause chills down an infertile women's spine.
• Don't say "I hope this works for you because being a parent is the best thing ever." I have heard this on more than one occasion -- shocking? Yes. Painful? Yes. I know they meant well but it is hard to hear.

I know people try to help, but even the small things they say can hurt. They don't think of it that way. They think there trying to be helpful. I know they mean well, but I just wish people wouldn't say anything sometimes.

My Long Journey

It all started in August of 2009. My husband and I decided we wanted to have a child. I got off birth control and waited. Waited for my period that is. I started taking my temperature hoping that I would see that "spike". I was new to this, and I didn't know anything. 150 days later I finally ovulated. I researched and found out that after getting off BCP it may take a while for your cycles to adjust. So I finally ovulated and thought "Ok my cycles must be getting normal". Well after that cycle ended, 150 days later and still no period. So I went to the doctor. She did was tests and diagnosed me with Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome. (PCOS) So I went to a special OBGYN who knew more about it. I was put on Metformin. Although it helped to regulate my cycles, I still have yet to conceive. After a year of Metformin, I was up on 6 months of Clomid. (An ovulation drug) Six months later, still not pregnant. Now it is today. February 20, 2012 and still have to conceive. I am currently in the process of going to an RE to help me get pregnant. 


I found out a week ago that my younger sister is pregnant, and is choosing to get an abortion. Yes, she is irresponsible. Yes she could not afford it. NO I do not think she needs to get an abortion. I believe in adoption. It makes me very angry that people like me have been trying for so long to have a child. That would give anything to experience the joy of being pregnant. I was so heartbroken when I heard this. I cried for two days straight. It's just not fair. 


I promise that when I am pregnant I will not complain. I will enjoy the morning sickness. The sore boobs. The swollen feet. Everything. Some people are thinking "ya, you say that now" but no. When you are going through something like this, pregnancy is a miracle. It's not something you complain about, it is something that you cherish. Every moment.


So for those who are pregnant and complaining, shut up! This is Gods gift to you, so stop taking it for granted.